It Is What It Is – (Part 5/5)

Thank you, Lord, for this desire you have placed in our hearts, and for the ways You are making this dream become a reality!

 

Sometimes, I think the Lord opens doors for you.

Sometimes, I think the Lord slams them in your face. BAM!

 

As quickly as we were prepared to start the fostering process, our desires quickly became halted.

Now, before you get all nervous this is going to be another “things aren’t working out” post, well, it is. But a good kind.

 

That very same week that we had decided to begin the fostering process, and to make permanent changes to Mr.’s anatomy, we got quite a shock.

As a joke, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Mr. and I “bet” on whether it would be positive or negative. We both said negative.

 

We were both wrong.

 

That’s right. The same week we decide not to have anymore (biological) children, I get a positive pregnancy test. Just in case, I decided to take the second in the box. I had to be sure, this wasn’t something to mess around with!

I took the second test.

Positive.

I went to the doctor the next week for a routine first trimester exam. After having the miscarriage, my doctor wanted to monitor my hormone levels through blood tests for the first few weeks of the pregnancy.

I had my blood drawn. I waited.

The doctor came in looking, ummmm, confused.

“Are you sure of your dates?” She asked me.

My heart sank. I couldn’t handle another loss. If my levels were low (which, it appeared they might be), I would most likely lose this baby, too.

“Yes. I am certain.” I answered.

“Then we need to do an ultrasound. Things aren’t quite adding up,” the doctor told me.

I went through the halls, back to the front desk. I had an ultrasound scheduled for an hour out. I waited.

When you are anxious, an hour seems like forever.

I prayed, “Lord, I wasn’t expecting to ever be pregnant again. This is a surprise to me, but I welcome it. Please prepare my heart for whatever is about to happen in there, because I can’t do this alone.”

I remember feeling a new kind of nervous. Not a “what-if-something-is-wrong” nervous, but a “well-it-is-what-it-is” nervous.

And that was my motto. I repeated to myself over the next hour, “It is what it is.”

“It is what it is.”

As I sat, I began to believe it. Truly, whatever was happening, was happening. I could do nothing to change it.

The nurse called my name.

I went into the room with the ultrasound equipment. The same technician who had been there through the entire miscarriage ordeal was there.

She remembered me. “Hi. How are you doing?” She seemed nervous for me.

“I’ll be better once I know what’s going on…” I answered.

She got to work. She could see nothing abdominally. She inserted the probe and after a second, a look of relief washed over her face.

“Okay, are you ready to see?” She asked.

I wasn’t sure if I was. And, looking back, no amount of time would have prepared me anymore.

“Well, your due date is in January,” she was dragging this out.

“That’s what I thought. They said my numbers were off, though?” I replied.

“No, they are right on track…. for twins.”

She turned the screen around, and there, in the center were two, perfect little black circles.

I just stared at her.

She laughed. I laughed.

“Wait until I tell my husband,” I chuckled.

“Here, you can show him this,” she laughed back, as she handed me this:

 

 

Yes, that is indeed my uterus. Yes, I Photoshopped those words onto the image. But, I promise. That image is genuine.

See the ** up there? That little white line indicates they are identical (or so they tell me).

We talked for a few more minutes as she measured a few more things for the doctor.

She finished the scans, and sent me in to get dressed.

When I came back out, she handed me the picture, and said, “I really am hoping for the best on this! Good luck!”

I thanked her and walked out.

As I drove home, I thought of how I would tell Mr. I thought of how we would tell our families and our friends.

I had this grand plan to tell Mr. It involved an elaborate dinner of “double” everything….

I walked in the door and he was sitting on a chair in the living room.

“How was your appointment?” he inquired.

“It was….. ummm…. here.” I said, handing him the picture. I couldn’t wait.

He looked down and instantly started laughing. And I started laughing with him.

We laughed for a while. Not because it is funny, but because we are happy. No, we are thrilled.

 

Even through trials and storms, God has an ultimate plan. A better plan that we could ever imagine. Had I carried Bethany to term, with her (more than likely) heart condition, we would have certainly had no more children. God saw that we needed 5 to be complete. He truly knows best.

While I don’t think that God “made me have a miscarriage”, or “forced me to go through pain”, I think that He truly wanted what was best for me and my family, and sometimes that includes things we don’t understand.

In a perfect world, Bethany would have been a healthy baby. In a perfect world, there would have been no miscarriage. In a perfect world, there would be no pain. But, this is not a perfect world. This is a fallen world, we are a fallen people.

I know that my pain is temporary, but my reward is eternal. Though I am still sad sometimes at the prospects of what-could-have-been, and while I still long to hold that sweet baby girl one day, I can rejoice in the blessings I have been given.

“Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven…” ~Matthew 5:12a

***Since this post went live, we have found out that one of the babies didn’t make it past week 12 in gestation. We are still very thrilled to be blessed with one healthy baby, coming this winter.***