It Is What It Is – (Part 5/5)

9 Jun

Thank you, Lord, for this desire you have placed in our hearts, and for the ways You are making this dream become a reality!

 

Sometimes, I think the Lord opens doors for you.

Sometimes, I think the Lord slams them in your face. BAM!

 

As quickly as we were prepared to start the fostering process, our desires quickly became halted.

Now, before you get all nervous this is going to be another “things aren’t working out” post, well, it is. But a good kind.

 

That very same week that we had decided to begin the fostering process, and to make permanent changes to Mr.’s anatomy, we got quite a shock.

As a joke, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Mr. and I “bet” on whether it would be positive or negative. We both said negative.

 

We were both wrong.

 

That’s right. The same week we decide not to have anymore (biological) children, I get a positive pregnancy test. Just in case, I decided to take the second in the box. I had to be sure, this wasn’t something to mess around with!

I took the second test.

Positive.

I went to the doctor the next week for a routine first trimester exam. After having the miscarriage, my doctor wanted to monitor my hormone levels through blood tests for the first few weeks of the pregnancy.

I had my blood drawn. I waited.

The doctor came in looking, ummmm, confused.

“Are you sure of your dates?” She asked me.

My heart sank. I couldn’t handle another loss. If my levels were low (which, it appeared they might be), I would most likely lose this baby, too.

“Yes. I am certain.” I answered.

“Then we need to do an ultrasound. Things aren’t quite adding up,” the doctor told me.

I went through the halls, back to the front desk. I had an ultrasound scheduled for an hour out. I waited.

When you are anxious, an hour seems like forever.

I prayed, “Lord, I wasn’t expecting to ever be pregnant again. This is a surprise to me, but I welcome it. Please prepare my heart for whatever is about to happen in there, because I can’t do this alone.”

I remember feeling a new kind of nervous. Not a “what-if-something-is-wrong” nervous, but a “well-it-is-what-it-is” nervous.

And that was my motto. I repeated to myself over the next hour, “It is what it is.”

“It is what it is.”

As I sat, I began to believe it. Truly, whatever was happening, was happening. I could do nothing to change it.

The nurse called my name.

I went into the room with the ultrasound equipment. The same technician who had been there through the entire miscarriage ordeal was there.

She remembered me. “Hi. How are you doing?” She seemed nervous for me.

“I’ll be better once I know what’s going on…” I answered.

She got to work. She could see nothing abdominally. She inserted the probe and after a second, a look of relief washed over her face.

“Okay, are you ready to see?” She asked.

I wasn’t sure if I was. And, looking back, no amount of time would have prepared me anymore.

“Well, your due date is in January,” she was dragging this out.

“That’s what I thought. They said my numbers were off, though?” I replied.

“No, they are right on track…. for twins.”

She turned the screen around, and there, in the center were two, perfect little black circles.

I just stared at her.

She laughed. I laughed.

“Wait until I tell my husband,” I chuckled.

“Here, you can show him this,” she laughed back, as she handed me this:

 

 

Twins

Yes, that is indeed my uterus. Yes, I Photoshopped those words onto the image. But, I promise. That image is genuine.

See the ** up there? That little white line indicates they are identical (or so they tell me).

We talked for a few more minutes as she measured a few more things for the doctor.

She finished the scans, and sent me in to get dressed.

When I came back out, she handed me the picture, and said, “I really am hoping for the best on this! Good luck!”

I thanked her and walked out.

As I drove home, I thought of how I would tell Mr. I thought of how we would tell our families and our friends.

I had this grand plan to tell Mr. It involved an elaborate dinner of “double” everything….

I walked in the door and he was sitting on a chair in the living room.

“How was your appointment?” he inquired.

“It was….. ummm…. here.” I said, handing him the picture. I couldn’t wait.

He looked down and instantly started laughing. And I started laughing with him.

We laughed for a while. Not because it is funny, but because we are happy. No, we are thrilled.

 

Even through trials and storms, God has an ultimate plan. A better plan that we could ever imagine. Had I carried Bethany to term, with her (more than likely) heart condition, we would have certainly had no more children. God saw that we needed 5 to be complete. He truly knows best.

While I don’t think that God “made me have a miscarriage”, or “forced me to go through pain”, I think that He truly wanted what was best for me and my family, and sometimes that includes things we don’t understand.

In a perfect world, Bethany would have been a healthy baby. In a perfect world, there would have been no miscarriage. In a perfect world, there would be no pain. But, this is not a perfect world. This is a fallen world, we are a fallen people.

I know that my pain is temporary, but my reward is eternal. Though I am still sad sometimes at the prospects of what-could-have-been, and while I still long to hold that sweet baby girl one day, I can rejoice in the blessings I have been given.

“Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven…” ~Matthew 5:12a

***Since this post went live, we have found out that one of the babies didn’t make it past week 12 in gestation. We are still very thrilled to be blessed with one healthy baby, coming this winter.***

 

 

 

 

 

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8 Responses to “It Is What It Is – (Part 5/5)”

  1. Jen June 9, 2014 at 1:03 pm #

    thats awesome. I think I already knew this, BUT I am so thrilled for you guys. After being so sick with my last kiddo, we decided to get the hubby fixed bc the doc told me next time wouldnt be so easy on myself and wasnt a good idea. It is so awesome how God works! Cant wait to see pics of the new twins 🙂

  2. Kel June 9, 2014 at 2:12 pm #

    Referring to the above comment I want to point this out. I don’t understand how people can say they are 100% reliant on God and all His greatness, yet still choose to listen to what doctors, family, friends, society have to say, especially when it comes to a couples’ fertility? “After being so sick with my last kiddo, we decided to get the hubby fixed bc the doc told me next time wouldnt be so easy on myself and wasnt a good idea.”
    How does a doctor know whats going to happen? How can any human predict our future? Why would you break a part of your body that God gave to you and your husband? Our bodies are a gift. I don’t think they were meant to be broken (intentially) nor do I think God would sanction it. I think this is a great story how GoD works around how close minded we can be especially as Christians. We are called to be the light. That means being 100% faithful and obedient to his will as we represent God’s good and plentiful fruit in this crazy and messed up world! God Bless all of you. And God bless as you prepare for the greatest gift alive, LIFE!!!!

    • minuteformama June 9, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

      Kel –
      Thank you for your thoughts and insight! I think as humans in the world we are in today, we sometimes do allow “medicine” to have too much reign in our lives. I also believe that trusting God 100% can mean using medical technology to further His will. Even back in Bible times, they used “medicine”. While it was much more plant based, it was still an intervention. We need to use God’s prompting to make decisions for our life and families, no matter what the decisions look like to others.

  3. Rashelle June 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm #

    Awe…..Congratulations!!!! Gods Will Not Ours! Blessings from above!!!

  4. Sarah Farrell June 9, 2014 at 9:54 pm #

    I can’t tell you how excited i am for you two!!!

  5. Connie June 10, 2014 at 4:51 pm #

    Very Cool!! Again thank you for sharing….The private thoughts and feelings.. The worries and prayers, the questioning and confusion and most of all……How God is important to you and how he is “working” in your life. Something I have been struggling with is letting him lead and allowing his will be done. I have not done too well with my own ideas and choices but yet to truly allow “Thy will be done” for me is difficult. I tell myself all the time when I want to take charge of a situation “HIS plan is best and I do not know the big picture,” God Bless you ALL! You are a Great Godly example and I enjoy hearing about your life. (Reading your blog)

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  1. My Miscarriage Story | just like dandelions - June 26, 2014

    […] in Part 5, there is a huge […]

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